I joined this board expressly to let others know about my recent, and still-continuing experience with a purple coconut. I was at a local supermarket and decided to try something new. I had seen an episode of this terrible new sitcom about a call-center in India in which the main character is an american who has been hustled daily into buying the very same type of cylindrical, pointy topped white coconut that I found in the store. Being a neophyte in the ways of the coconut, I googled how to open it and enjoy its contents. While draining the liquid I thought to myself "mmm, I don't seem to recall coconut water being purple, this must some exotic varietal and wow, now I'm in for a real treat." Guzzling the contents immediately, I noticed an aftertaste that remininded me of the taste of a hockey player's sock dunked in mud. SO, maybe an acquired taste? I still didn't know. Cleaving the coconut in rough halves revealed a browish-purplish slime that immediately triggered a fear response in my brain, although after an hour or so, noticing no ill effects, I was able to forget about it and continue the other bizarre pursuits that had been occupying my night. If there were any unwanted feelings regarding this coconut, they were purely based on having wasted $3.46. (people in more tropical climes are surely laughing themselves into a coma at this price)

Awakening the next morning, I notice that my mouth feels like I've been up all night doing shots of charcoal ash and saltines, and a tsunami of sweat pours forth from every pore as I clutch helplessly at the bed sheets in a futile attempt to extricate myself from my tomb of sweat-infused egyptian cotton. Upon reaching the bathroom, I do my best to recreate the pea-soup scene from the Exorcist, which then gives way to hopeless dry-heaving and general wretching of every kind. I won't mention what happens next, but suffice it so I wished I had bought stock in Charmin the day before. A sip of water yields the same effects and it is around this time that I realize that I have never, ever been more ill. At one point I was sure my eyeballs were going to explode and I resigned myself to a prone position on the floor, the cool tiles offering some small relief.

Fast forward two hours and now I'm shaking like a department store Santa on December 26th. I take my temperature and I'm too out of it to realize that 95.1 is far from normal. Dry heaving gives way to an ersatz form of gagging, despite the pints of water that I've forced myself to drink. Several more hours of this goes by, intensifying by the second and now I'm convinced that I need immediate medical attention. Drunk with illness, I cannot convey this musing to anyone around me and continue to be hammered with waves of nausea. I manage to choke down a couple of medium acting benzodiazepines and keep them down long enough to pass out for an hour or so. Of course, vomiting while you are unconscious is definitely not preferable to lucid-barfing and now I am at the threshold, far beyond what I thought the human body was capable of feeling, not to mention being covered in yak. Several more hours (the worst ones of my life) go by and I began to embrace the sickness, much like the hypothermia victim will feel warm and cozy the minute before his heart stops. I again drift off into slumber-land, and awake some two hours later, feeling like I have just hiked across death valley with a fur coat on with nothing to drink except warm Pabst and red-bull. I might want to contact Guinness and see what the world record for most water consumed in five minutes is, because I'm sure I shattered it.

Now, it's nighttime, and I still feel very beat up. There are ads for coconut related products at the bottom of this page and every time I glance down at them, the bubbling begins again. I feel like I can't even look at a coconut ever again for the rest of my life.

Do what you like, but there is at least one person in this world who can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt that drinking mercury or drano would be a far better option than eating a spoiled coconut, and probably about as tasty. I running out of ways to be emphatic about this, so I bid you all adieu and hope that these paragraphs can one day spare some soul the crushing terror that I have undergone today.