Hey anyone that reads this,
I need to emotionally dump... I'm about 5 days into a sugar detox/Candida cleanse per the advice of my holistic (raw) food counselor. I've gone through some physical cleansing effects and I don't know if I can attribute my emotions right now to that or possibly my approaching cycle, but here's my story of why I'm upset. I grew up doing dance from the age 3 to 18. I stopped because I went to a college that didn't have dance and this is also where I discovered alcohol. Before college, I was really content with my body. I had suffered through anorexia, but at this point I had recovered enough to be healthy, happy, and blessed with a hot bod, if I my be a bit arrogant for a moment. By winter break of my first year I had gained the dreaded "Freshman 15," followed by another 5, and then another 10 while I studied abroad in Rome. I've managed to lose my Rome-weight and then even more after 1 month of being raw-- in fact, I was only shy of 10 pounds to reaching my goal weight, when life got in the way. Now, some time later, I've gained a fair amount back, but I've been highly raw since November and I have actually seen a drop in 3 pounds since starting my cleanse last week. Here's the real crux of my feelings though. I'm in this fashion show as a favor to a woman I used to assist back in the day at the dance studio. Today was the fitting and I was surrounded by sized-2 girls drinking lattes, munching on McWhatever breakfast sandwiches... My food counselor said not too long ago that she thinks that my eating disorder evolved into binge-eating while I wasn't paying much attention to myself. She is probably right-- I have done unhealthy binges the past few years. One thing that she hasn't said though is if I will ever get back to not feeling like the "fat model" whenever I volunteer for these shows. Will I ever get that body back that I loved and felt comfortable in, let alone, that mental state of absolute confidence? I know I have more faith in myself than this, but tonight for some reason that feels like a challenge to muster. Raw-internet friends, I am feeling down on my luck tonight... I need your loving encouragement and support. Thank you for taking the time to read this-- you are beautiful.
Much love and peace,
I know it's fairly clique and all, but you are beautiful for who you are, not what society judges you to be. Not to be unjust to those girls at the fitting, but imagine what they are doing to themselves. Fast food is awful for your body, and you know this. It's wonderful that you have taken the time to make yourself into something healthy and that will sustain your body much longer than those who live off high-fat, high-cholosterol diets. You are beautiful for informing yourself and helping your body naturally. Twenty years from now, raw foods will still continue to pay off and others that chose a SAD lifestyle will most-likely suffer. What you are doing now will make you beautiful long past any expiration date, for lack of a better term. From your picture (if that is still what you look like) I wouldn't advise losing any weight. You look very slender.
Keep your chin up. You're beautiful, I promise.
Thank you Lovin',
I know I'm beautiful for who I am and its not so much society that judges me, but me myself. I'm just frustrated because I want to get out of my "fat" jeans and into my "skinny" jeans... My picture is from last summer where I weight probably 7-8 pounds less than I do now. Also, I'm just still jealous of myself that I was able to lose so much weight the first time I went raw, but have not been able to have that success yet. I know it is probably because I didn't develop the Candida until after a rough patch in my health where I had to take a battery of antibiotics and therefore I won't lose any weight until the Candida is defeated... I know I need to work on being more patient!
I totally understand where you are coming from. Completely. I am trying to jump back onto raw again and I'm not doing very well either. During my unraw period I did wrestling, which you think would make you loose weight. Instead I gained muscle and when wrestling was over, was left with a bunch of flabby...??? I don't even know. I am usually very active but the rain and lack of sun hit me hard this year and I've gained unfortunately. :( I understand your frusterations completely though as I'm not used to being this size either and I'm the only one to blame. I know you can do it though. You sound too determined not to get what you want. Dancing takes TONS of skill and practice, if I remember correctly, so I'm sure you're a bit ahead of me on the self-disapline. I wish you very very very good luck but go easy on yourself. I know its tough, but losing weight and being skinny isnt everything (though you'd think it is) and I know sometimes it feels REALLY uncomforable but there are always options. Just how far you'll go to get what you want it all. Stick to raw and you'll see results. And personally, I gain weight if I am less than 95% raw. :) Good luck!
Body perception is hard, i know this because i have gone through the same/similar as to yourself except im a male.
it hit me hard i got into alcohol, drugs to fix my emotions which in turn made me more ill and the further i got away from feeling healthy the more alcohol, food(my biggest drug) and drugs i consumed.
You look beautiful from your picture, woman get it a little harder than the males for the perception every woman should be size 0 etc most guys really dont think this way. But males get it just as bad.
Eat healthy, exercise and be healthy is all i can say. And well chin up:).
Hang in there, try to focus on inner health, I have to keep telling myself that all the time! I have a very distorted image of my own body..I am a normal weight or so I thought, and then I read an article that said something like a 5 foot person should weigh like around 100 - 105? So I feel fat because i'm 115...I know how crazy it sounds but us women are so hard on ourselves. I can't imagine being around models all day. Try to just take one day at a time, one meal at a time and not focus on the numbers on the scale. I think I would weigh less but have a good amount of muscle. SO, its not all about numbers. I remember reading a quote on a blog from a girl struggling with anorexia saying she didn't want to look like a little boy. That made me thankful for my curves :)
Thank you everyone for your kind words and sharing your own personal experiences. I am working with my food counselor to get to the root of my eating disorder and rebuild a healthier mindset, but the start of this journey is really difficult and painful, especially reliving the old traumas that contributed to my state. I really, really appreciate everyone's support here. We are all helping each other during on our healing paths.
Much love and peace,